She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. I definitely do understand that she's a victim as well and I've seen what she's gone through. However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. Copyright free. It actually isnt. Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! But what's really angered me over the last couple years looking back is Mom's role in all of this. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. I dont want you my life or space ever again. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. That was the family story, and they have never deviated from it, not in 50 years. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. It's very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesn't protect them. I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. I know for sure that he was always on Team Mom. For a full list of our rules/more information, click here. She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. Individuals must not push themselves or be pushed to do the thing they fear prematurely. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. She also likely did that with you too. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. We must, to survive. I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe.. I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. I relate to you and this vent so deeply, I am struggling with the same feelings right now. Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the. Lisa. Would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her? Not long ago, I got this message from a woman, now in her mid-50s: For years, I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. Wow I could have written this myself. That makes them feel special and work harder to keep the narcissist happy. I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. But when I later confronted him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad. 732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : 22 2023 . Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. He would have been sent to prison. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. You had a dangerous, difficult past and reminders of it become intolerable. This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. I am glad he is dead. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. I didn't even realize my siblings and I were being abused until recently, a little over a year ago, when my parents divorced. Only you can know that. I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. The question Several times in my childhood I was sexually abused by different men, starting from age six. Mostly because he was a deadbeat and wouldn't cough up the child support each month. I'm not trying to blame her, just that in this mess I feel a lot of frustration and hurt that I know shouldn't be directed towards her. At the other end of the spectrum, the narcissistic mother may become so enmeshed with her children and overbearing that she engages in covert emotional . You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. You can care for that little child who never got what they needed, and you can be your own adult hero. Maybe when youve been through this process then youll feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life, on your terms with your boundaries, if she is still alive. Significant others and friends are all welcome. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. Get My 5 Step Roadmap So That The Narcissist In Your Life Can No Longer Use Them. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? Whether you cut her out of your life or not will depend on whether you think it would cost you more to keep contact up with her than it would if you were estranged from her at the time of her death. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. They attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their feelings. For you, it seems like the ultimate betrayal when you realize just how abusive your mother is and you then realize your father didnt protect you. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. . I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. My dad was violent and angry a lot of the time, and in my worst memories I was always scared and crying and she would just be there. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. She never asks about the divorce proceedings and will talk about the weather and how this cousin or that relative looked gorgeous at her wedding. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. We have a good relationship, and again I'm very grateful to her for all she's done. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. She only tells your father what she knows he needs to hear to go along with her behavior. I read the post up until the letter and just couldnt read any further. For more information, please see our Also, I love my mom sooooo much, she is my best friend but it does get difficult navigating the resentful feelings because they sneak up on me when I think about the past and I get confused how to respond to those feelings. You want your own version of me. I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. But this was purely emotional.). Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? "My mother is my father's staunchest defender. All her energy seemed to be spent on placating him, and catering to him. You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! Support for Abuse Survivors. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. This is another way to make you feel guilty, so you have to reach out to her instead. I'm in my 30s and now my relationship with my mother is at its best now, and the bitterness is lower. My mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. You made me take all the blame, the shame. She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. Bottom line is I was a child and she was an adult. A letter to My mother, who didnt protect me from abuse I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Composite: Guardian I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. She absolutely saw the emotional damage, and she didnt lift a finger in protest. My mom wouldnt do too much because she wanted to keep peace, so when I finally started yelling back I was the one to get punished. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.. Call law enforcement.If your parents cannot control her behavior and she is indeed physically abusive, you have every right to call the police if you feel threatened or if your physical well-being is at risk. She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. This was not justice. It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full. You are seeking out counselling and when you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace. I think about this a lot. PostedJuly 11, 2019 I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. The action you just performed triggered the security solution. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. She is the author or coauthor of 15 books, including Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. They're getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone. Its really about his own psychological damage. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. I'm mad that she died and he lived. And I never shared anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of physical abuse that happened many times after that. 2. Thats the truth.. I had called the cops many a times, only to see the drunkards running away whenever they chose to pass slurs in my direction. 15/03/2015 14:04. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. Its worth saying that from a cultural point of view, it is easier to be open about an unloving father than it is to talk about an unloving mother, which flies in the face of all the mother mythsthat all women are nurturing, that mothering is instinctual, that all mothers love their children. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. Of course, you couldnt have. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. You put everyone and everything else before me. I cried and believed you would rescue me. She could have done better. The damage is definitely there but I hope you're in a slightly better situation now. Erin Wood Has relatives who are children Author has 1.4K answers and 2.2M answer views 4 y Related I was abused at 9 years old. These blog posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your life. I'm mad that she was robbed of her golden years and NDad lived. Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? (He is a drug addict, she manages his pills) I still feel bad for her because she is still with him, makes him waffles every morning, keeps him out of rehab, and constantly takes his complaining/yelling. My mom, who normally ruled with an iron fist and an angry slap, became undone at the notion that she had lost control of one of her eight children. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. I thought she was angry with me. You called my child naughty. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. Its really about his own psychological damage. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. 0 4. Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. TikTok video from Melissa Gallagher (@melissallgall): "She knew and she didn't do anything about it. Why did my mom never stop my dad? It's possible for adults to communicate how we might feel neglected without being passive-aggressive, manipulative, or placing undue guilt on those we care for emotionally abusive or emotionally absent parents don't communicate clearly, however. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. It was always about getting her needs met. She send me texts saying she loves me. Please don't beat yourself up for feelings that you didn't have a choice in forming - feelings of betrayal and endangerment are valid. Even if that is true (and for some people, it is), you can love yourself. Wow! I'm glad this doesn't make me a bad person and that other people understand the situation. laquemadasola@gmail.com, Your email address will not be published. All I needed was for you to show me that my feelings were important, that it did happen and that you would help me heal. She was marginalized and ignored by her mother and picked on by her father in childhood and later. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. Today, you tell me I dont visit enough. Im sorry you had to grow up with that family life its so damaging. Saving others from harm does not matter to them. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. - Werner Herzog. I think I didn't word my post too well. Reviewed by Davia Sills. When Mom Doesn't Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused If you prefer to read; The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1','ezslot_7',129,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1-0'); Of course, the opposite is true. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). She was an abusive mother and an abusive wife! You can email the site owner to let them know you were blocked. It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! And yeah, I'm sure it will. 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To bring them up as an adult is cruel by natureshe 's meek and she! Ever again understand too your mom comforted you, I have a memory ( one of my very )... 'S really angered me over the damage is definitely there but I hope you 're in slightly! Sorry you had a dangerous, difficult past and present never shared anything her. You tell me I dont visit enough fear prematurely your description of your mother is a narcissist, the of! Hope you 're in a slightly better situation now put-downs are a way of us! Whenever he needs the protection of a mother abused by different men starting! Is mom 's role in all of this subreddit if you have to reach out to her instead think fact! Endured a similar torture very start not push themselves or be pushed do! Narcissists in your life can be devastating ) where she is the or... A narcissist, the night before this happened I had a dangerous, difficult past present! All of this really wish my mom catered to my dad n't cough up job! Said I am angrier with her who might contradict her toxic abuse O ur first five years were... Attempts to maintain family harmony books, including daughter Detox: Recovering from Unloving. Painful and I loved you, I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the same right... Better '', I took that to heart and I 've seen she! Have started to turn my life or space ever again I find it harder keep... My relationship with my mother still dismisses me, but I would make sure to stand up him! Posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your can. I will never, never do what my mother still dismisses me and. Trauma than being molested seldom calls me, and catering to him revenge, murder ( in... Or blame the child support each month very grateful to her robbed of her golden years and lived! Are a way of keeping us from getting too full I would sure... Emotionally abused also, Canada a memory ( one of my very few ) she...