Its not quite like the days on the schoolyard, and the older you get, the more closed off and set in their ways people tend to be making it harder and harder to forge new connections or be accepted by an existing social group. My Husband Doesn't Post Pictures of Me on Social Media We've all seen the posts. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a02d917f1b6d963cd96383a3fc6e0c53" );document.getElementById("c02ece8e79").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); How to Save a Marriage that is Falling Apart: 5 Tips, Why Mediation Works and Why Litigation Has So Many Pitfalls, Subscribe to Divorced Girl Smiling and download our free e-books. Susan: "My husband and I have been married for many years but over the last 10 years I've been really growing in my faith. This sounds like something straight out of the movie I Love You, Man and it pretty much is! I could persuade him to come in but hes linger forever outside before he finally comes in. When people would ask me where she was, I would say she is at home watching tv. It can be deflating to come to your husband to talk about something that happened at the office or some sort of success, and he not only doesn't respond negatively but makes you feel bad about it. You apparently dont know the difference between the two. Be miserable forever 2. No criticism or judgment. Introverts are often accused of being "reclusive" or "antisocial.". It doesnt have to stay that way. Your husband is your family and if he doesn't agree with certain people coming over becuase of poor decisions they made in the past, he has a right to say they can't come over. 8. Also decades ago he has no reason to interact with me, family or my friends, Its been over 40 years since we did anything together. If they do go out, they may not talk to many people, or cling to you the whole night. Its something each and every one of us has to deal with. By any means, this does not mean to make him jealous! Why? Read Susan Cains book. I find it difficult to interact when there are too many people present. This is nothing to do with being anti-social, it means you have the *wrong* friends, and your husband finds them boring or worse. Your husband may not even be aware of what he has done and how it has affected you. Tell him you want him to be the way he was. What Is The #1 Issue Or Problem In Your Marriage? Ive had to call in sick to work just to get housework and chores done (I work 50 hours a week and I work nights, I sleep during the day) and she goes out and smokes weed or drinks with her friends when she gets off work. I have a salary job and I still have to ask my dad for money, our rent isnt that much. A Step-by-Step Process, Will and Trust Documents After Divorce: What You Need to Know, 5 Tips for Coparenting with Someone Who Hurt You, How to Attract the Love of Your Life in 2023, 10 Questions to Ask a Divorce Lawyer at Your First Meeting, Going Through a Divorce? I guess we exist to end our lives alone. Then she got upset at me for not being upset she dumped me. Then Dr. Dana will send you additional free coaching via email. I also want to add that when a spouse has no friends or hobbies, the other person might feel pressurelike he/she cant leave to go do things, or they feel guilty for going out when the spouse is sitting home. In my case, I didnt like my wifes friends, they didnt really like me (never said anything to me except hello and goodbye). First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying "My husband has no friends or hobbies,") you might not think this is a big problem. Friend trips mean absence. 6. Extroverts, on the other hand, have a longer social battery. dump his ass. Yes I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married. What I do disagree with, however, is your contention that this is a character flaw that the antisocial spouse needs to fix. I feel tricked. However, when my husband and I go to some place, like our sons weekly soccer event, my husband leaves me alone and start to socialize with other couples and men. What needs to be fixed is the married couples inability to find a happy middle ground. Do NOT mock your husband for doing so. My husband however has always been a man to drag his feet when it comes to socializing . By doing so, you are making a conscious choice that you want your relationship to be healthy and to thrive. Please work with me. The words Jackie uses are almost verbatim with what I said to my ex, just add crying and pleading and the words Im afraid and chasm, etc. I had a dream of finding a gentleman kind of man but then dreams are dreams.. you need to accept the reality and live with it..though this thought becomes frustrating at times, I cannot imagine my life without him.. . A woman took to social media to complain about her husband's habit of grading her food out of 10, claiming he orders a takeaway if he doesn't approve of her meal choice as he refuses to cook for . He spends less time at home. I will politely excuse myself from such people and find ones I am a good fit for. They may not want to go to many social events, because they're anxious, not because they're naturally less-sociable. I cant tell you how many have asked me after our separation if he has Aspergers or something. He now does what he pleases with no regard to pleasing others. If he had always been like that, I would have a different response, but the change means he is hurting emotionally. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. You just checked out and expected us to as well and that isnt fair. Also, maybe the antisocial person could have a say in who the two of you go out with. I intend to tell both of my sons to avoid this self-destructive stuff with women entirely. It can also become mental abuse, such as when it gets generalized into some form of "no one likes you" (See the next real-life quote below for an example). Thats pretty butch there Randy, how bout turning it down a notch or two? Non social or asocial is NOT antisocial aka psycopaths. Im seeing a counselor just to keep my sanity. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, We want different things. In other words, I'm a good person! Ive been nicknamed the loner with a time limit because I have a limit of 2-3 hours at any event. Chronic criticismeven for small things. What To Do When Your Husband Doesn't Provide There are a number of different tactics you can take if you find that your marriage is not working for you in the way that you had hoped when you said I do. I like different things and my husband does not want to go and explore with me. WRONG. It is a fundamental part of who we are. My ex was always trying to change me into someone else someone more social more like him and it just didnt work. The sappy, romantic, love-letter-like, nearly obsessive social media posts that significant others put out there about each other. Hes been retired awhile and has hobbies but thats it! I think its unfair to call someone anti-social just because they dont enjoy *your* idea of social occasions. However, despite appearances, I don't hate people. Also, maybe they could choose the restauranta sports bar instead of a fancy French restaurant. Photograph: Troels Graugaard/Getty Images. By Psychologies. Marriage destroys male social lives, thanks to both male and female expectations. The point is that insecurity takes many forms, and even if your spouse doesnt recognize it, its likely at the root of their problems. When you're in a relationship, it's important that you and your partner respect each other even online, which is why these 15 social media behaviors are extremely inappropriate from your boyfriend. If your wife or gf is over the age of 25 they should be leaving the socializing and hanging out days behind anyways. The Most Common Fight And How to Stop It, 10 Conversations You and Your Spouse Need to Have. Men should be good fathers, so we spend time with children. Maybe he doesnt realize it. WEve been married 18 yrs and this issue has only gotten harder. Too much individualism leads to neglect of the relationship, and too much focus on the marriage alone can make one or both members feel stifled and out of touch with their other social and family relationships. Ive made so many sacrifices for her and she cant take 10 seconds to pick up her mess. She has a job and yet Im always tight on money. Same with me. He promised before God and our families to be the best man he can be for me. Before we get any further into this, lets imagine a scenario that may be all too familiar: Picture an average couple, lets call them Joe and Jane. We dont hate you we still love you and wanted to have this with you. He Acts Better Than Everyone Else. Because thats what you do for someone you love and to whom you are committed. Leave him because he doesn't like hanging out with your family 3. All Jackie is doing is presenting what is going on on the other side too. Life is short. It is not wrong to want to go out two nights a week. Making superficial small talk is excruciating for me. Upon submission, you will be immediately be directed to some video coaching for your #1 Issue. It may feel strange venturing out into the world with forming friendships in mind, and its true that it shouldnt be forced yet the only way to build a social circle is to simply be out there. Its easier said than done, but with the right approach and an open mind, its a problem that can most certainly be solved even if it takes a while. I wish there was. Simply put, your mother needs you, and your husband seems jealous that your time and energy aren't entirely for him. So we go along with a lot we make efforts try to work in your comfort zone but in the end we are lonely and depressed and dont want to just putnon a happy face we want to be happy. In short, I need friends and he doesn't. 2 Try responding differently to difficult situations. I want to move on to something I sometimes see happen to couples with this disconnect. When you picture a husband making phone calls instead of doing the evening dinner routine (cooking, eating, cleaning) and disappearing on weekends instead of fixing the house, what kind of husband comes to mind immediately? HE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT. Be yourself and dont ever change. I try to make his family gatherings- in fairness, I more often than not, make it, as I also need to chase after our little ones! BUT I dont read anywhere where she says this is a character flaw that needs to be fixed I reread it over and still not seeing it. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. He told me that when he was younger he enjoyed going to Disneyland by himself because he could ride whatever he wanted and go wherever he wanted. If your situation has gotten really hopeless, in other words you dont know what to do about your antisocial spouse, say these words to him: Right now, I really, really care about us and the survival of our relationship. Experts: Susan Winter, relationship . Some people maintain huge social circles and keep in close contact with them all. Mypartner is sending naked photos of herself to another man, Should I break up with my boyfriend before going to university, Anonline relationship is making me feel I'm cheating on my boyfriend. Many personality types are much better at being flexible in the current moment but not great at planning for the long term. It is not a flaw, it is part of YOU. Wed like you to be the same weight you were when we got married. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really. If your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, you have got two things on your. She has health problems such as cholesterol and still orders $15 worth of junk food against doctors orders. That is my issue. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying My husband has no friends or hobbies,) you might not think this is a big problem. Required fields are marked *. You dont have to please everyone. Just be yourself and the right people will like you for who you are. Ugh. When we were first dating and then married, my husband had friends that called him and planned things to do, played basketball and golf and went to sporting events. My husband doesn't want kids. Its not easy, but all of this boils down to a higher issue thats common communication and compromise. Totally normal for her age. So, the logical step is for your husband to identify his favorite things to do and talk about, and seek out communities related to them. It might be the case that he is a different kind of romantic, and you are unaware of how he shows his affection. Why should they be forced to do something they hate? I couldnt agree more. Your husband doesn't listen to you because he feels like you nag him all the time. My husband is 6 years older to me and we had an arranged . There is a HUGE difference between being antisocial and an introvert. When introverts are ready to call it a night, extroverts are just getting started. In other words, Im a good person! That is just their perception. Its impossible to save money with her. Introverts find socializing draining; extroverts find it stimulating - it's a matter of energy. If I do that I come home and take a shower and go straight to bed because Im mentally exhausted to the point Im frazzled emotionally. 2. You can see he's online but he's ignoring your posts or private messages. When I would tell her what my response was to people who asked, she would get mad that I said that, because she was embarrassed about it. What I wanted from my wife was acceptance. I worry that this will become a far greater issue when we are retired, and we find ourselves at home together all the time. Not everyone with an antisocial spouse ends up cheating and leaving, but the disconnect could pave the way for that path in some cases. 2. I know because mine would behave like that and often was unaware. Men, if you dont want to do something DONT DO IT. Online is a great place to start but it cant end there. Men should be sexy, so we need to work out. Turns out she had been doing that though since about our second year of dating, so I dont really believe my introversion was her reasoning. And theyre the ones most likely to end a relationship. Passion in the bedroom isn't everything in a relationship, but it can explain a lot. Most men I know are perfectly fine with a single room and some electronics and a car. I feel I could have written this post. 6536) In conclusion, it is important that your husband fulfils your right of foreplay and kissing. Your email address will not be published. That was before we had kids and before I had to deal with in-laws all the time and when I wasnt under so much stress. Now I've met someone else, Iam scared that my boyfriend will mistreat me like I did my ex. Not liking things is normal. When the most important thing in the world is the nuclear family, friends are simply too expensive. Add message. I suggest you replace all references of antisocial with asocial in order to correct your article. 14. Ive never been the party type, not in the 14 years we have been together. You might think, Im a good husband and father, I dont cheat, Im not mean or abusive, and Im a good provider financially. Those feelings really need to be communicated in the relationship. Joe loves to spend time with Jane, and Jane loves to spend time with Joe The problem is, Jane also loves to spend time with her friends, and Joe doesnt really have any. document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); 2023 Strong Marriage Now. And Im really glad I no longer have to rack my brain to come up with an original, romantic, epic date every weekend. Instead of accusing your spouse of having no friends, ask them questions about why they choose to isolate themselves, talk about the importance of your own social relationships, and eventually (maybe not the first time you talk about it), try to uncover some of the insecurities or fears that are holding them back. I love you. There are several reasons why your husband or boyfriend looks at other females on Instagram: He is getting ideas to spice up your sex life or to buy you some presents for your birthday, Christmas, or another special occasion. I want us to be happy. Because you are not giving me signs that you care. I dont know how much more I can take. What suffers? Any attempt on your part to change this dynamic, however small or tentative, is immediately shut down. Would he consider therapy and maybe medication? Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. She says it relaxes her. We read articles about how labor should be split 50/50. If Jane wants to spend time with her friends, Joe either comes along (not an ideal scenario for Jane, who needs to enjoy her freedom and connect with people other than Joe to feel fulfilled), or he stays home by himself (which he does not enjoy he wants to be with Jane). They dont. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. I want to see how hot he looks dressed up and I want to be at parties as a couple. You got it! I want him to be the way he used to be. When your spouse is holding onto the belief that everything will work itself out naturally, you may have a difficult time getting them to participate in the discussion. Somehow. I think more than half the problem is that I feel he doesnt have the sympathy I have for him. Myboyfriend cheated on me with a friend. Yet, all I was asking was to have my person there. In fact, someone may try to convince themselves that their partner's criticism of . If my wife asks me to socialize or attend a function I dont want to go to, I simply say no. How old are the kids? Going out might seem silly to you, but I enjoy it and think it is important for our relationship. ASK for what you want.Dont NOT ask and then resent because the other person didnt give you what you wanted. I guess were having a crapfest on men here. Others prefer much smaller, tight knit groups or just a couple of best friends. Still others have many acquaintances, but dont go out of their way to cultivate deep friendships. Ive been to parties with her, some willingly, and some reluctantly, and the thing is, I would have enjoyed myself more at them had my wife just let me be myself, and not get angry about whether or not I wanted to be there. He's just not photogenic. Thier business may be thier business, but that doesn't mean you want thier business to be in your home too. Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Of course, you work. This wont be a quick fix, but if your husbands lack of friends is a problem for your marriage, you can both take steps to address the root cause of the issues, address the importance of social relationships and individual identity, and make gradual progress on developing the friendships that will give him new identity and a social life all his own! Financial issues. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Good article. Depending on the nature of the problems, and especially if severe anxiety is a driving force, its a good idea to seek the help of a professional counselor. So a little . He doesn't miss you when you're gone, and he's indifferent to your absence. He could be self-conscious about the way he looks or the way people may perceive him on social media. correct? It was really toxic and didnt survive. He is very loving and committed - a home bird who is happy in his own company. I feel bad.. may b he is not wrong. She tried to force a friendship. What should I do? For instance, when a you are with other people you need to be agreeable and be accommodating, polite and considerate. Im begging you to help me save us. I worry that this will become a far greater issue when we are retired, and we find ourselves at home together all the time. Dont waste your time with women. Download the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app. Defend his social time to others. Where Should We Send Your Free Marriage Coaching? we are on vacation with his friends and all they do is talk about the past and people they know, this does not interest me how can you join the conversation? He heard you suck. Over the years, just like the article said, she began going out with friends more, and even meeting other men behind my back. Not the spouse who was not what you wanted, that you chose, anyways. Dr. Dana Would Love To Gift You Some Marriage Saving Help, Right Now. I have never been an outgoing person but she said that she thought I had become more shy and antisocial over the years. Frankly, none of those questions matter. I always told her I do better in small groups with people I know well already, but she has always wanted to do things in large groups. Your husband should want that for you and not be jealous or concerned. Boy, Ill say. 1 They Minimize Your Feelings A partner is minimizing your feelings when they say stuff like "omg, that isn't a big deal" or "you're getting way too upset over this." "They should be validating. One thing to think about if your significant other doesn't like your friends is jealousy. We've occasionally joked about it; what we'd . He wants people to think he is better than they are, and that includes you - especially you. Its been 18 years and I have tried compromise ie go to only a few and Ill be happy. I had to sell my laptop just for gas money. y husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. Hes Not Blissful, How To Survive Divorce: 15 Tips To Getting Through It, The Vindictive Ex: When Hate Comes Before Children, My Ex Moved On Immediately: 3 Seconds After We Got Separated In Fact. You can still be there for him and your child but also can be there for yourself. Its no wonder that male suicide rates are through the roof when our issues get so little sympathy from the people weve invested our lives into. Names You Need and Why, My Ex Hates Me: 8 Reasons Why Hes Angry And Hateful Towards You, Honey, I Want A Divorce: When A Woman Decides to Leave. And every child is different of course. Modern relationships are completely broken and it never ends well for the man. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . Dr. Dana Fillmore, Author, TV Relationship Expert and Clinical Psychologist offers Matt and Angie some new [], Put as directly as possible no. I have not mention this to him because I really want to take this opportunity to improve a little, but at the same time I dont think its fair, and I dont think being introverted is a flaw or something to be fixed. I am an introvert and talk to people I feel comfortable with. Where Should We Send Your Free Marriage Coaching? But in all fairness, he cant do anything about it if you dont express what you need. You need to at least make an effort when they engage you. Most people are not interested in the same things he is interested in. She always wants to go to her moms and gets mad when I suggest having some me time and meeting her there later. I completely agree Phil. 10. Here's a link to his video again. Wed like to not be exposed to friends and family members who we dislike because you sure didnt shove those people on us back when we were dating either. If women want to help, they MUST allow one of the above to suffer. I have a spouse who loves to watch TV. Be strong and be authentic, and you will have a beautiful life ahead of you., - Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling. Their partner might need to remind them to brush their teeth, shave, or shower. These family members are around your daughters to? They may have given up on forming new connections with people, they may be afraid of opening themselves up to others, or even have painful memories of losing friends or alienating people in the past. The truth is, you chose that person. I have few friends and like it that way. not threatening. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Makes me laugh myself to sleep. Lastly, I get zero time to myself. She married a man who loved to socialize and dance every weekend and they had a wonderful marriage together until his death a few years ago. I even will think of things for the two of us to do together by ourselves and he still isnt happy. React Reply See 4 replies What Guys Said 21 If his attitude doesn't change, you'll know where he stands and that there is no happy future here. We had the worse argument a few nights ago after he came in for one hour. If you have a positive gut reaction to the concept of a husband with multiple children AND multiple active hobbies, what is your reaction to the reality of a man spending an entire Sunday in the garage? Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. But what about people who dont seem to do any of those things? My husband likes to go to peoples houses and stay for the whole day. How many times I have tried to start a conversation with other woman and have been snubbed. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really dislikes most social situations. However if people approach me I am ok with carrying the conversation and Im friendly. He probably goes around telling everyone about all of his "great" accomplishments. My husband, on the other hand, is more likely to check his CNN feed than his Facebook feed, and thinks that tweeting is what birds do. I do realize that it isnt this simple, and that people who are antisocial might be uncomfortable, and might feel awkward and hence start getting anxiety if they know they are going out to a social event. Being able to talk openly and honestly with one another builds a foundation of trust, and sets expectations well before conflicting views or ideas lead to fights. But for many of us, that's far from reality. I love having people over for dinner and entertaining in my home. If I suggest something fun he complains and I guess Im tired of it. Embarrassing your spouse will help them see their flaws. You are going to make more money, and you might not want to share it with him. Life is to damned short.Im moving on. Insecurity can also be a driving force behind obsessive codependence that need to be together all the time. Your husband doesn't want a partner, he wants a microwavesomething to heat up his dinner. It might be an indication that the person is depressed or has some other issues, but it might not be that, either. No, we don't mean you should corner him in the room and start blasting him for all the times he's hurt you. Shell spend money on stuff she doesnt need then cry when she cant pay her bills, leaving me to pick up the slack and have to ask my dad for money. It puts a cloud over the whole evening. She would be at home relaxing in front of the tv. It can be the first sign of an abusive partner (And it doesn't matter whether the partner is male or female). This blog is hitting home with me. I can always find those people that I know I can be myself around. I don't imagine that this is an uncommon problem, but I would value some advice. My husband says he has no friends because of me and its because I have to know who hes going out with. All rights reserved. I follow him and do my best effort, but he is so friendly and open that I feel uncomfortable and people compare and assume I am bitchy and antisocial. If you dont come out and ask, the person cant read your mind. Were all different and if youre spouse cant accept you the way you are, even if that means youve changed over the years screw em, lifes too short! I used to have the same problem, but I solved it with a compromise. We're retiring soon and I'm starting to worry that our different social needs will become a problem. Other than that, I am fine on my own or with others. Sometimes, it's completely accidental. What is the current status of your marriage? After youve mentally checked out of a relationship, its hard to get the feelings back again, but I do feel were getting there. He doesn't care if you see a counselor, but he's just fine the way he is or so he says. Relationships with women fail the cost/benefit analysis every time. He is very social and when I have gone to the neighborhood pub with him, he talks A LOT and with the influence of alcohol, very loud. While you might be all of these wonderful things, and a truly good, caring, kind person, if never wanting to go out and do stuff is a problem for your spouse, then it is a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed. I know he is hurt and has a hard time socializing but I feel equally hurt as I have had no indication from him that he understands how I feel. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. I agree with everything Phil wrote. I have no problem going out. On the positive side, you seem to be well aware that you're going to need to reframe this situation if you want to stop being miserable, because otherwise your options are: 1. Im worried we are at a bad crossing point. Email: private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments). He simply says hes uncomfortable at social events particularly those that are crowded. He's online but doesn't talk to you. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. Truth is I am bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time. Attempt on your its been 18 years and I 'm starting to worry that our different social needs become... Hes uncomfortable at social events particularly those that are crowded fairness, he do! Few and Ill be happy and still orders $ 15 worth of junk food against doctors.! 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