Consider my first book: Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?. It took a year of marriage counseling to make sense of it, but only since he got officially evaluated for ADHD and on medication were we able to begin untangling the resentments that stemmed out of both that original incident and the subsequent patterns we slipped into. If I suggest that maybe its ok to just trust her instincts from time to time, youd think I had asked her to light herself on fire. Because of that, an avoidant is typically depressed, has low self-esteem, and is generally dissatisfied in life. Its potentially as meaningless to read anything personal into it, as it is getting offended by the sound of a cog turning in a machine. , Your email address will not be published. I try to explain that either way me or her we are in the proverbial Fox Hole together and we need to work together My wife expressed I need to make the changes I understand this. The idea that therapists and coaches have a tendency to protect their clients. So true! He finally went and when he saw me then he actually realized I was very very sick. :-). I dont think he could accept that he might have a himself. So if he does something that hurts me, even if it doesnt make sense to him, nothing triggers me worse than not being listened to and told that my feelings are invalid somehowthe way he told me that I was being selfish and ungrateful for being hurt and disappointed with his behavior on that difficult trip. But even that, I was sort of empathizing with him.how could he maintain such intense, emotional focus for so long? I dont care if its purposeful or not there really is some degree of abusiveness that straddles the ADHD, so I am removing myself from it altogether. https://adhdrollercoaster.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/breaking_stuff.mp3, https://adhdrollercoaster.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/crying_wailing_female.mp3, https://adhdrollercoaster.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/300013_SOUNDDOGS__si.mp3, https://adhdrollercoaster.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/person_deep_pleasurable_sigh.mp3, https://adhdrollercoaster.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/toilet_flushing.mp3, https://adhdrollercoaster.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/kiss_loud_.mp3, Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions, ADHD and Relationships: 3 Simple Strategies - ADHD Roller Coaster with Gina Pera, https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-impaired-empathy-and-dopamine/. My wife refuses to believe that my lack of empathy and inattention could be caused by ADHD and is sure it is because of a willful motivation on my part. I discovered your book on adult ADD in trying to help my 12 yo son. At any rate, Im glad you could convince your husband that filling the holes was important to you. For too long, ADHD couple therapy has been focusing all support and sympathy on the ADHD partner and recruiting the Other Partner has a helper. I chalk that up to what I had to learn about myself and love. With that memory in mind, I mentally stepped back and gave him a minute or so to transitionnot to mention finish whatever he was doing in the bathroom. We both believe in sharing our storyand our lessons hard-wonso that other couples can better enjoy the ride on their own ADHD Roller Coaster. That would require stepping into the adult role. Thank you. If not that, surely he couldnt miss my whimpering and calling out to him. Ive gone through hell with this man, and after doing research I get You couldnt tell. Im still in my relationship and I would have left a year ago but in my situation, leaving will result in (temporary) homelessness. Clean clothes are hung or folded and put in the closet or drawer not just dumped on the floor in the corner of the room. But he wasnt always THIS bad And THEN he caught his parents disease. Your Adult ADHD Success program sounds great, but were living on my public servants pension, so money is tight, especially with the cost of knee replacement surgery this year (both of knees). Yes. It's almost like he haunts me, like I'll have a normal day and then boom I remember something . I began taking Concerta at that time,and it did help, but major damage had already been done, and it was not reversible. After almost 20 years together, Im clear that there is a deep down kindness in my husband. Including on learning about ADHD. Plus, there are often reading impairments. And its made him feel better about himself. Thats it. You have all my sympathies. I was very sick a few years ago, thought it was the flu until I was bedbound, shaking uncontrollably. They dont know the science. Her responsibility is to herself. Thank you as ever for sharing all you do, and for believing in people more than most x. I updated my fear scenario around being unable to rely upon him in an emergency. And the renovations we wouldve done first werent going to be done anyway in the end because we were quoted half the price at first and thought we could trust the guy (well my husband was the one who knew people) and I thought he knew the area he insisted we move into considering THATS RIGHT WHERE HE GREW UP but he didnt really So my deceased dogs facebook page nailed it. I suspect it will explain a lot. There were many many incidents like this where I would get hurt and need his help, or a friend of his or one of his animals would be suffering and B seemed to see it as a major inconveniencesimilarly to how you describe your partner at times This is not a partnership I feel like Im his mother. Many times, ADHD in women is misdiagnosed as BPD. Only to get upset with me, and in turn Id get very quickly frustrated because I knew I was simply attempting to think, or process. funny that I happened upon this article and comment so soon after it was published, still hot off the presses. It is not a happy arrangement and Im currently seeking help for my codependency/ADHD to get better for myself and family. . Breakups hurt. I recall watching my soon to be partner as one of his coworkers was falling through a roof at his garage! Or maybe, as with many other people in similar situations, you are the frog in the pot.. The no contact rule doesn't call for you to block him/her back. My boyfriend (actually ex-boyfriend now) told me he had ADHD in the first a couple of months we started dating. Not to mention the amount of resentment that has built up has completely turned me off from him Unfortunately, I am also having to cope with my wifes drinking disorder for which she is in denial and wont accept that she needs help. Its been 40 long years. I met my husband through an online dating site, and right on his profile he stated amidst all the cute wit that he probably had ADHD or some such condition that rendered him a man-child. It might even have been comfortable. In this current cognitive-behavioral state, I honestly struggle to believe that this is the right path for her. Too little, too late, say many partners of adults with late-diagnosis ADHD. Adderall. I expect too much. But please know, we must be smart mental-health consumers. are being revisited byscience. No slow creeping loss, either, it was a big BANG! Thank you for detailing your experience, so eloquently. Every. But also, maybe my course would be useful. Our attempts at couple therapy were so disastrous they motivated us to double-down on cooperation. 1 fan is one of the best things you can do. He didnt know what to do.. from my friends. Im grateful that my work is helpful to you. Maybe at that point, write a letter to her, thanking her for her support and sharing a few of the positive changes youve made. Hope youre feeling better!! Im so glad I found this site. Still, I couldnt have made it without his help, no matter how I have to get it and he does love me and I do love him so we do the best we can for each other. Its my only hope. Im terrified about combining our finances in marriage, but we cant talk about it because anything I say translates to me not believing in her. And shes not totally wrong. He is sweet, respectful and thoughtful most of time. And was thinking allot about how much I sigh, something I know both my parents do too. Please take care of yourself. Even the sound effects. Thanks again, youre a gem! It was like a ray of light followed by a dark cloud. I love how you set it up, not by chapters but that one can just open it anywhere and read. But over time, the risk is getting so worn out and hurt, they dont know which way is up anymore. He remains angry at me (almost always), spins scenarios and words often and rarely owns up to his part of a situation. She feels that we individually work and And hes been cured of his parents illness He is protective of me on the sidewalks and I see HIM doing things he said were out of control when Ive done a little less in the past. Hard work. I thought that, if I create a safe, loving environment for him in our relationship, it would become easier for him to be present with me, and also to address his challenges. Great start. I showed up to my freshman dormroom with skateboard in hand Hes never been critical about my skating, a bit concerned when I started using my longboard to get to the train when he was uncomfortable with me having a bike because its dangerous here. This is not offered as a criticism so much as a statement of fact. Thank you so much for this article! Youre several years into a relationship before discovering that one or both of you have ADHD. I just set it up Tuesday, my husband is in there last night and uses up the toner printing an inordinate amount and then says Thats not even what I wanted. (Ummm Couldnt you look at the screen to determine that BEFORE you hit print? One thing about where we lived in Idaho HOLY CRAP AWESOME NEIGHBORS! We just cannot rely on the average therapist or physician. When I FINALLY figured out if giving him the master bedroom in a huge house as his office and he could make as much of a mess as he wants in there but keep it to his room left us with a hole he cut in the floor in another bedroom with the promise to make a hatch within 2 weeks and that room empty the entire time we owned that house (a friend fixed the subfloor for us lol) and in the end, his clutter gradually spread until I was begging him to JUST KEEP HIS CRAP OFF THE COUCH. Part of that book covers the concept of validation in depth, and he finally understood what I had been trying to ask him for all along: that whatever happens, if he can just listen and show empathy I can feel safe enough to work through nearly anything. Not only does it destroy your self-esteem and . But my being invisible for so many years and being neglected, has taken its toll. I was completely rattled, tearfully saying that of course he could see his friend when we got back, that I was just hurt hed texted me during that scene with my family. Five weeks to the day after my debut novel was published, my boyfriend, who is a writer, broke up with me because I am a writer. Theres just dirt down there, no floor (Radon isnt a problem there), and the people before us tried to do some things themselves. The guy was going to get the cable company to take care of everything and get a plumber in there etc. He stayed with my dad in the ER until around 5 am and then we went home. He has the capacity to be a very loving, kind and generous person, that why I fell in love with him, but Ive seen none of that for years now so I just have to trust that somehow we can bring that side of him back. One person said to me, Youre just trying to protect your brand.. ADHD has been a hurdle but this on top of it is a mountain. That was a daunting discovery, but I was cautiously hopeful that the chaos and destruction that has permeated every area of our lives could be turned around, that there was enough left of what used to be good that could be rediscovered and redeemed. You have to figure it out. Im glad I insisted we break the lease (knowing wed just hear dont let the door hit you in the butt on the way out and lose a months rent security deposit turnover is good for that landlord) because I was afraid Kenny wouldnt make it to the end of the lease to enjoy his yard but I thought he would and he didnt. He said, You are a very lucky lady. At this stage, it is necessary to remain apart from your ex. I also know that B is as bad or worse at tending to his own health and welfare. His symptoms might not reflect how he feels or cares about you .but what he DOES with those symptoms absolutely does. I was the peacemaker type of kid so I took it on without complaint and the more I did the more she gave up. And also when the same experience from family members, who also sigh a lot, and who I believe are high in ADHD traits / have ADHD, have left me feeling equally dejected, and triggered my frustration and depleted emotional bank account. Ive seen a marked difference in the last 5 years online. He has a hard enough time accepting my reality. Since I was the one who ended our relationship, then he will just accept it. At the end of the day Im questioning if he even cares about me. On the other hand, depending on what is shared, a break up might be a healthy option. This obsessive hyper-focus is causing even more paralytic lapses in productivity than before she was diagnosed. Why the hell does he get to keep living life like a free spirited child while I shoulder the immense amount of responsibility of running a household caring for two special needs children 99% alone and he also insists I make his lunch otherwise he will spend $20 a day on food what? Loads of people with mental health conditions are able to enjoy long lasting, fulfilling, happy relationships. Stop making such a fuss," will not break through compulsive thinking. My husband has had ADHD since he was young and has not been medicated since his dad took him off meds in high school. During the early stages of a relationship, the partner affected by ADHD can focus intensely on the romance and the new partner. Eventually I invested in a GoPro so I could just record what I was looking at. The ice cream will prevent nausea., Like clockwork, he showed up with the pills and the ice cream every four hoursor was it 2? Im wonderingis it possible he has ADHD, too? I understand the inclination to address our own codependent behaviors rather than trying to change our ADHD partners problematic behaviors. But they might not agree that ADHD is an issue for them. Hed fail my expectationsand his own. My husband doesnt ask me how Im doing and then I feel stupid when I have to pipe up and tell him, Im too weak to do this or that or that I cannot walk as fast as him. The event they planned to attend was happening on the last night of our reservation at the B&B. I also discovered that those psychological disorders influence AD/HD. I cannot rely on him I cannot trust him with anything! Im sorry you had to endure thatand now this. Along with adults with late-diagnosis ADHD. Do I sound hyperbolic? The best thing you can do in that regard is getting educated in what you are up against and how best to help your partner to see the light about ADHD. Yes, I am the writer here. This information is so so helpful! If you want to contact him, do it. That explains it. How some things were harder for her (and that probably made things harder for you, too)? My comments describe situation that I believe is widely shared among ADD people who have spouses that are not as afflicted, or afflicted less severely. A condition in and of itself is not a reason to . Initially, I thought my wife was onboard with my ADHD diagnosis and this helped to explain my actions over the years (married Sept 1991 having courted for 7 years prior!) I appreciate your letting me know that this blog post resonated for you. You need to stop making contact if you have been calling or texting your ex-boyfriend over and over again. More importantly, at what point does it matter which it is? This was a much better outcome than we both might have experienced in years past. Just.what?? I dont know the rules of break ups, usually I am the person who is doing the breaking up because of the other person cheating or lying or whatever. There are no rules. I dont want to be his therapist (no partner should be), but I dont want to be passive and hurt. Or, if your husband is not on board with seeking to improve life for the both of you, maybe you will feel worse. The work that he does or the things he is thinking or talking about seem far more important to him than say the deep laceration on his leg .., After he got on medication, I asked him to read a book about Borderline Personality Disorder (Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning). See how she responds. Its about his untreated ADHD symptoms. I needed to get out of the hospital. Oh, and ask yourself, why do you remain married to him? She is committed to staying married and raising our children together, basically roommate. It set up a bad habit first thing and it worked until I just got too tired to do it anymore. They recognize that it wasn't the right way to do it, even if they were unhappy, and they want to escape the consequences of their actions. 11. The more you become educated and the more you validate your perceptions, the more clear you will be about the extent to which ADHD is interfering with your marriage and your husbands life. It was suggested to me by her therapist in April that she is likely suffering from ADHD. My ex boyfriend and I broke up 14 days ago. Perhaps thats even why he rejects medication. You absolutely must take care of yourself. :>) Interestingly enough the person I did this deep research dive for is in deep denial and avoidance of the issues and us. Sometimes the thrill of the chase is stimulating. That might be more easily done if you find a partner who can act as a partner in a more equitable way. They are out of steamand out of caring. In that aftermath of despair, I started asking more profound questions about what was wrong with me, and with the help of desperate research have been learning about the extent to which ADHD affects dysregulated emotions, their intensity and the lack of impulse control which cant regulate the resultant behaviour. I definitely understand how hurtful it can be when they respond as if youre a pest. Id already had a close call where I had the signal at a dangerous intersection and after finally getting used to pushing a button again, as Ive had to do most of my life, I knew this one car was going to be a problem no matter what I did. If your relationship is strong now, it can be that much stronger and happier. She abandoned our business, left all the household bills for me, and started a new life without a single explanation. We're back together now, but we both should've gotten consistent individual therapy in between the breakup. She tells me most of everything is me and the ADHD. 1. trouble remembering anniversaries. https://adhdpartnerwithginapera.groups.io/g/main. Don't make unrealistic demands - Stay with the possible. Thanks for your comment, and good luck to the both of you! Those three years were spectacular: we fell deeply in love, we had great communication and intimacy, and we had a lot of fun together. I believe your counsel, especially that about therapists, because it is grounded in so much common sense. He knows/fears that it means then hell have to become more responsible. Im sure many more as well. Except to say that seven years ago, I had an epiphany about how I could or couldnt depend on my husband, and I made a decision about my plans in the event of terminal or serious chronic illness. I encourage you to take a look. Like you, I know that my husband is caring deep down. If he hadnt answered, yes, I would have called him or someone else or 911but he texted back immediately with concern and the claim that he was on his way out the door. Knowing he has ADHD has really helped me to be more compassionate to him and I am learning how to use his love language whenever he is in imminent danger of a meltdown. Especially in the beginning of the relationship. I fully understand what you mean when you say that they can gaslight my spouse. 2. The message is: that you are indebted to her brilliance and truly, truly appreciate her efforts to put up with you being such a pain in the butt (while undiagnosed). We really must take responsibility for our own health and happiness, because no one is going to do it for us. Now he was acting like Id dragged him out here and I was forcing him to cancel on his friendI tried to explain this. October 14, 2021 by Zan. haha. quick . That is just the socially unacceptable but fun negatives. But its also very hard to make happen. I was completely honest about what was up. Where do I sign up?. We now live in separate parts of the house and if I can figure out how to leave financially I will, ( Im 67) to have a decade or two of peace would be great. Ive even started having panic attacks. The same is true for their partners. But we cannot ignore the fact: When you come against such from your intimate partner, its frightening. Never saw my husband until I collapsed on the floor. Youll turn me into poor Marilyn Monroe!. The antipodes..had not heard Australia referred to thusly! She is unwilling to read ANY resource I present. Yes, maybe both. Its a comfort knowing that it isnt just me and that my fears are legitimate. She is doing a medication regimen and frequent counseling, and I really appreciate her willingness to take these strides. It took getting him out to address his escapism. FINALLY, the fact that you are only just now starting to think about medication means you have either intentionally ignored good advice or never received it. I held out hope that he might actually be elsewhere in the house, out of earshot during and after my fall. Anyway, my book is not so much about saving relationships as it is about knowing what you are up against and what you might want/be able to do about it.. I have told him some of what I found out during my research, but he has expressed no interest in learning more. These 6 signs will tell you if a break-up with an avoidant is not final, it's only temporary. Hopefully I can do that now that Ive given my meds time to work. She is the soul of compassion with her patients, and harangues the MDs and other nurses to focus on patient comfort. Ive spent the last 7 years trying to get him to be an equal partner with me, sharing responsibilities and working as a team, but Ive been progressively destabilizing the whole time trying to combat the anxiety from the mess and all the things that were never done. And the whole deal with buying this house was weird but it was really good for the price and didnt have to be fixed up we didnt think so we had money to renovate it Kinda good thing a lesson was learned about doing business with friends (who have been brainwashed I swear after looking at this thing he said changed his life and he wanted me to do it) before we got too far along but um half the house has REALLY NICE HEAT and the other half has none well the master bedroom has some heat now, in combo with the A/C but the kitchen still has nothing. I feel like Ive stepped into a universe where reality has no baring. Extreme ADHD can suck the life out of everyone in the vicinity, including the person who has it. I am so very sorry to learn of your situation. Yesterday, I took a protracted, ungraceful, and painful fall in the garage. am I doing something for him that he CAN & SHOULD be doing for himself?) Its rather common, in fact. If you are to add any sort of hint of: lets get back together, I feel that trying to force a reconciliation is in extremely bad taste at this point and will taint the message. If you wake up every morning dreading the day ahead of you because of a specific person and the way they are going to treat you, or the fights that you are going to have, you need to remove them from your life. Id love to hear your experiences in ADHD relationships. I love this: Theres only one thing, truly, that millions of adults with ADHD have in common: variable aspects of this highly variable syndrome. Counseling is not typically the treatment for ADHD symptoms and problematic behaviors as you describe here. You might be interested in these blog posts on ADHD and empathy: https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-impaired-empathy-and-dopamine/. My husband is not hyper but must have ADD. I created a course exactly for people in this situation and for those where the ADHD partner is in denial and many more. I felt frustratedhe had clearly stopped at the store first. I just knew. His caretaker ability was the stuff dreams are made of. Then we started having trouble; I began to take minor errors I made way too seriously, overreacting with severe self-loathing and the resultant behaviours, not being attentive to her minor issues or concerns, which all relationships have. Ive tackled this topic for years, in my writing and in my presentations to the public and clinicians, from San Francisco to Turkey. He eagerly seized on that and we dropped it. It was really hard to make B pay attention to the emergency as B was so focused on showing me around his shop! She never acknowledges the elements of ADHD that affect the relationship. I now say things out loud over and over until the information goes in, with my partner, and this signals to him that ive heard and am attempting to process. Has it been worth it? I was in a relationship with a fantastic person who knew I had ADHD. They are trying to make sense of it on the fly. That is what I tell every therapist I have ever gone to. But without the understanding, its hard to get past a certain superficial point, even with optimized medication. I pray my spouse gets the tests done and gets treatment. Let me tell you about it. Im 35, and other relationships werent a priority in my life to this extent and came quickly, so this reaction didnt alarm me in my past. You feel crazy, like your all alone in this bizarre vortex, of whys. I have to be the one to tell my 5 kids, that I am sick and cannot help them. Before the break up, he was blaming me that it was all my fault. Complains he doesnt get enough sex but I am not attracted to someone I have to mother and if you spend your whole night out in the garage playing with your cars and no attention to me then you will not get any. Last I checked, there was ONE masters-degree program in mental health that covered ADHD. I encourage you to learn more about ADHD. I didnt know that blogs could have a draft/cache feature. See what happens. But with the habits and attitude that you describe him as having, medication will likely only go so far. Yesterday I began exploring ADHD "paralysis", a sense of overwhelm unique to people with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder that freezes us in place and robs us of economic productivity by causing us to hyperfocus on fear of failure.As promised for Valentine's Day, today I want to talk about how that fear of failure, never far from the surface for ADHDers on the best of days, works . Hi Gina, thank you so much for your book. 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